Time for some entertainment people!! I think my adoring fans deserve some fun stories. How about the one where I met a guy that has sex with cars? Oh yea, I'm serious. I'm also serious when I say that I dated him. In my defense, I didn't think he was serious about the car thing until after we started dating. It wasn't until he told me he wasn't interested in sex with people and denied me, that I realized it wasn't a joke. He explained to me that he was 'asexual' and just wasn't interested in banging women (or men) but cars instead. I was like, "uh, wtf?" But alas, I continued dating him because I did that whole thing where I try to convince myself that I can make anything work. (Side note: I bought a bag of Brach's chewy treats and this shit is like my kryptonite. Fer Realz) Anywho, so I went out to the bar with him a few times and met some awesome people, so dating him didn't turn out all bad. He sorta went crazy towards the end though. Yes, crazier than having sex with cars. We all went to the bar rather frequently, and most of us, not including myself til more recently, sang karaoke. Sex-with-cars-guy (that's what I'll call him) thinks he is the world greatest singer, and God's gift to man. I'll be the first to admit, he does a pretty good job with Johnny Cash. He started doing this REALLY ANNOYING thing where he would just get all riled up and stomp to the music when other people were singing, and he'd sing over them. Everyone started to get really agitated with him, so I told him he should stop before he ticks too many people off. He ended up getting snippy with me and I snapped back. We broke up...but that's actually another story that has nothing to do with this and a lot to do with me being all sad and shit. That's when he stopped going to the bar and everyone started thanking me for getting rid of him.
Then in comes Rick...or Karlitos ...er....Big Rick...I don't know what he's going by these days. He's a total tool. I can't stand him. All he sings is terrible rap music and he won't sing it by himself, so it ends up being other people singing this shitty music while he says a few random words and sways his arms like a chimp. Apparently he is in love with me though, because I'm beautiful. Who can blame him right? I mean, I am damn sexy.
If I were a dude, I'd so bang me. Right, so, then there's Mr. Brown. He is a character as well. He has these great ideas like, "I'm going to get a van and tell little girls that I have a puppy. Then when I get them in the van, I'll tell them 'there is no puppy, bitch.'" God, I hope he's joking. He's got this awesomely annoying habit of sticking his finger in your mouth when you yawn, which gave me the brilliant idea for a new "thing" that kids can do. Instead of a wet willy, where you stick your finger in your mouth, then in someone's ear, it's a waxy willy. You stick your finger in your ear, and then in someone's mouth. It's only for skilled willy-givers though. It's not easy to get your finger in someone's mouth, unless you're Mr. Brown. By the way, Mr.Brown isn't as old as I make him sound by calling him mister. He's only 29, til next month when he turns old...I mean 30. Just kidding; 30 isn't old.
I'll wait til my next blog to tell you about my new roommies :-)
